Rewired

I've not been inspired to write in an awfully long time. I've been in this strange place, where words fail me. I've just been going through the motions of life, not really feeling a whole lot along the way. Just doing what needed to be done. Neglecting to feed on What I needed most. I've been in this place and I've come to an impass, I can no longer do it on my own. I must reach out for help from my Helper.

I know it's not necessary to try and do it all on my own, but it seems to be in my wiring. But it's time to rewire. You see my focus has been on me. Focusing on me has only resulted in this jumbled up mess of wire (you know the kind that you see behind 99% of the worlds computers and home theater systems, the kind that is hard to untangle.)

A realization of my messy wiring came about a month ago in a couple of different conversations. I knew I wasn't really enjoying most things, but I just chalked it up to busyness and used thoughts of vacation to perk me up. Thankfully though, those conversations have been a catalyst for change in my life. It didn't result in a dramatic change, but it has helped me to think a little differently, particularly about a big event that is on the horizon - this week in fact. And they were the motivation to begin preparing, even though I feel like I'll never be prepared enough.

God has used this preparation to spark some deep thoughts about myself and my relationship wth Him. I do desire to know Him fully, but I haven't been living as if I do. I do desire to live/work peacefully with others, but have been consumed with how things affect me, rather than being consumed by Jesus Christ.

My life is not my own, yet I keep trying to live it like it is. My life is for Him alone, yet I keep trying to give it to others.

This morning the sermon was called Cleaning House. The message was about Jesus cleaning the temple enraged by the fact that the people had turned it into a place to make money instead of the place of worship that it was intended to be. The message was taken from John 2: 12 - 25. At the end of the passage, it says this "²³While Jesus was in Jerusalem at the Passover festival, many people believed in him because they saw the miracles that he performed. ²⁴Jesus, however, was wary of these believers. He understood people ²⁵and didn’t need anyone to tell him about human nature. He knew what people were really like."
I love this reminder that Jesus knows men's hearts. That means He knows mine. That means that even though I've been "going through the motions", He knew where my heart was. He knew that it was time for a "rewiring" or a "house cleaning."
I'm thankful that He lovingly disciplines us, or in the case of the temple cleaning angrily makes it clear that we are in the wrong. Without this type of cleaning, what would become of us? If I had continued just going through the motions, what would've become of me? Eventually, it would lead to despair and destruction.
So many believers, need rewiring, too. Without it, people begin to make choices that lead them to destruction. A little laziness here. A little lie there. A little touch here. A little always grows to a lot. It's part of our human nature. We always want something else. We always want more. We don't need more. We need Jesus only.

I don't want to live that way. I want to choose today and every day to live rewired. It won't be easy, but I choose today to take the step that will draw me closer to my Helper. I choose today to focus on Jesus. He is all that I need.

Hope That Doesn't Disappoint.

I read an article this morning (click here) about an astronaut who was in the space station during the 9/11 attacks on New York City. He spoke about looking down seeing smoke billowing into space. He says he knew something was wrong, but was unsure of what, until a little later when he was informed of what had happened. He said, "The most overwhelming feeling being where I am is one of isolation, the feeling that I should be there with all of you, dealing with this, helping in some way, is overwhelming."
His thoughts on being isolated during that experience made me do some thinking. How would I have felt if I had been in the space station when I learned about what was happening? What if I had had no one to share my hurt, fear, and sadness with? How many people went through that tragedy with no one else around to support them? How many people have hard times and tragic situations and are unable to share their fears with anyone? I can't imagine.
I occassionally have days when I feel like I have no one to turn to, but it's in those time I am reminded that I am never alone. My God is always there. His word says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6) This promise from scripture gives hope for all the weary.
I have been thinking alot about Hope lately. Hope that does not disappoint. I have not experienced much disappointment in life, but I can tell you the little I have experienced was really painful. The last time I experienced severe disappointment left me down for a good couple of months. I tried to be consoled by friends and my mom, but the only true consolation came from my time with my God. It was in that low point in my life that I experienced God in an amazing way, when I truly understood Hope for the first time.
People place their hopes and dreams on any number of things. Children long for good grades and good abilities to make their parents/teachers/coaches love them. Girls long for beauty so they will be loved. Guys hope for strength to impress people. Women hope for a husband to fulfill their future. Men hope for money to provide for their families. People long for approval and acceptance from others. The list can go on and on. Those hopes and longings may provide a temporary fix for an emptiness in their lives but, eventually those grades, that beauty, strength, money, husband, family, or approval will disappoint. Eventually it will not be enough. Eventually we begin to look to be fulfilled by something or someone else. We are never fulfilled.
The only Hope that will never disappoint, the only Hope that will never fail is Jesus Christ. His sacrfice, His love, His will are perfect. 1 Timothy 4: 8 - 10 says, "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. 9 This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance. 10 That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe."
Our hope is not in the things of this world. They won't last. The only hope we have is in Christ Jesus. Hope that His promises are true, hope that doesn't disappoint. Because of this Hope, despite the circumstance, I am able to live my life and serve others. Because of this Hope, this relationship with Christ, I am never alone. I may feel lonely, I may feel isolated, but even in those instances I always have Hope.
I feel sorry for those without this Hope. I am sad for those who feel isolated and alone. They don't have to be. You don't have to be.

31 years… wow…

Sitting up watching the clock roll to midnight, I turn 31 years old. To some that seems ancient, to others I’m a youngin’, to me it seems unreal that I have reached this point in my life. Many times, I feel like I don’t have anything to show for 31 years of living but, I know this isn’t true, but I am so easily distracted and sucked into this life and forget how truly blessed I am.

Thankfully, I have been and am surrounded by people that like to remind me of what an amazing life I have. I need this reminder, because even though I know God always provides exactly what I need, I look at others with a jealous longing for what they have. I didn’t intend to become like this, but living in a world where people expect to have everything they want and need I am always bombarded by worldly things.

Not all the worldly things/ desires I have are inherently evil, but when I allowed them to consume my thoughts and make me take for granted my salvation, my relationship with Christ, and the blessings He has given, it is then evil.  I’m not saying that to desire is bad, but when it consumes your thoughts it is.

This year I have experienced a lot of struggle and loss  and never really had time to mourn it and process through it. This summer, God has finally allowed for that time to process. Some of the processing has been easy. I have relaxed and rested. I have read. I have sat quietly and listened. Some, not so easy.  I have cried. I have remembered my struggles and loss. I have allowed the circumstances of this year to cause me to fear.  My fears took ahold of me on a couple of occasions, but it was in those moments that I could only cry out to God and ask for His help.

In both instances God listened and calmed my anxiousness.  In both instances, I met a peace that overwhelmed me. I’ve got a long way to go.  I don’t know what my future holds, but I am learning to trust my Maker. I am learning to let go of the things that I hold dear and place them in His hands. I am learning that life is a vapor, that things become fragile, they don’t last forever. I am (slowly) learning to accept this.

God is good, His gifts are good, His ways are good, He is always faithful.

Psalm 33: 4-5 “For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in all He does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of His unfailing love."

Life is a vapor and it’s really easy to get caught up in this place that we are only passing through, so in all the remainder of  life's struggles and I need to remember this quote by Elisabeth Elliot “God is God. If He is God, He is worthy of my worship and service. I will find rest nowhere but in His will, and that will is infinitely, immeasurably, unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to."

So today at the start of year 31, I choose to trust Him and accept all the way my Savior leads me whether the way be straight, crooked, uphill, or downhill. 

One more quote from Elisabeth Elliot. “If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for."
~Kristen

B is for Blessed

Today we celebrated our first Sunday in our new church building. It was an exciting morning and just a great time of worship and fellowship. This whole week has been a great time of fellowship with church members who stopped in to work at the church to get it ready for today.

After the service this morning, I stopped in the sound booth to talk to Minnie, my pastor’s wife. I consider Minnie my Korean mother. She is a remarkable woman who struggles daily with horrible rheumatoid arthritis, while trying to care for her family (my pastor had a stroke 2 years ago and has battled seizures and falls since then, but is getting better daily, Praise the Lord) and help out with church. As I stuck my head in to chat with her, I said, “You look like you are feeling good today Minnie!” She said, “No, Kristen, I feel so bad, but I am looking around at all the blessings of today.” I said, “You are happy that Joanna (oldest daughter) is home for Grace’s (youngest daughter) graduation.” She said, “Absolutely, but I am also looking at all the other blessings of today. The new building and elevator. All of the people that are here.” She went on to list this long list of blessings. I had no words to describe what I felt to hear her, who has struggled so much rejoicing in the blessings of the day. All I could do was cry.

What an example she is to me, such an encouragement to all of us who know her. This conversation has had me thinking all day about how blessed I am and how easily I let circumstances or struggle dictate my focus. I am blessed beyond measure for so many reasons, but even if I only could say that I have salvation in Jesus Christ and will spend eternity in heaven with Him, I would still be blessed beyond measure.

So on that note, I want to share some of the blessings in my life.

~ I am blessed to know that God answer prayers, in the case of our new church building, we have prayed for many years for a better facility with an elevator (our former building was on the 4th floor with no elevator and the steepest stairs known to man) and God provided. Not only did He provide for the facility, it was remodeled, and moved into within a two week time span. In another case, two of my colleagues and friends, after many years of praying to have children and struggling to conceive were blessed just two weeks ago with not one bundle of joy, but two precious children – one boy and one girl – and on Mother’s day.

~I am blessed to have family and friends who pray for me. Life is difficult, but I know that at any given point there is someone praying for me.

~I get to do the one thing I always dreamed of doing – coaching – practically everyday.

~My students bring a smile to my face everyday. I love them so much and am so thankful that I get to teach them.

~Zumba – I know, it’s a silly exercise program, but I am so blessed to be able to do it here. It is a fun, healthy release and I’m learning just how much I love to dance – even if I am terrible at it. I look forward to it all day long.

There are so many more. What are some of your blessings?

Waiting Here for You… Jesus

It’s no secret, especially for those of you who know me well, that this year has been a struggle for me. I have been up and then down and then back up for a bit, then I seem to get pulled back in again. Each time I come up I feel like I’ve learned so much and that my heart is set and settled firmly in God, then something simple will happen and there I go again. Recently I’ve started to come to terms with this struggle, to accept it, to let go (even though, I thought I had already done so), but it hasn’t been without a battle.

Always faithful, God continues to speak directly to my heart through this. A couple of weeks ago a friend posted this song called “Waiting Here For You” by Christy Nockels from the most recent Passion album. Since then I can barely stop listening to it. There is just something about this song that draws me. I think it’s the reality that life on earth is temporary and in reality we are all, as believers in Christ or as non believers, waiting here for His return.

I’ve thought about this a lot this past year.  It all started with the death of my Great Aunt Audrey and my Grandmother, but has continued through the school year throughout many circumstances, including this struggle I have been going through the last few months.  A while back, in a conversation with another friend she said something to the effect of, these struggles certainly make you long more for eternity. That statement, I wish I could remember it better, has been at the back of my thoughts since then. It’s such a true statement, as I’ve continued in this struggle I long more and more for eternity.

Today in Sunday school, we were studying several reasons Jesus had to die. It was an interesting lesson, with my English/Korean speaking kids trying to translate to my non-English speakers. Through God’s grace, I think the basic points were translated. The reasons Jesus had to die were simple, but very profound. In order to help the students understand the first reason Jesus had to die, we went back to the story of Adam and Eve and how sin entered our world. We did our best to explain that because sin entered God’s perfectly created world, it became a part of all of our lives.

Thinking of this brought my thoughts back to this struggle that I have been going through. When we struggle we often wonder why we have to go through the circumstance and why it hurts so much. Well, the reason is, because of our sins, which have led this once perfectly created world to be in shambles. This sin in our lives separates us from God making death inescapable and making life so difficult. This separation from God has left a big void in our lives a void that we try to fill with anything and everything. However, what we try to fill it with will never fill the void, it might mask the emptiness for a short time, but all it does is provide a temporary fix. No matter how much we try, the void can only be completely filled by Jesus Christ.

So why do we long for His return? To be completely filled  and to no longer hurt and to no longer have to say goodbye to those that we love, to no longer long for anything because there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can us satisfy more than God.

So on that note, I will continue to wait, in hope and expectation from the only One who can satisfy. Not waiting and hoping for some earthly event to happen. I will still battle, but I am so thankful to know, “that the Lord of all creation knows my heart, the Author of Salvation has loved me from the start.”

Waiting Here for You–Christy Nockels–Passion 2011

~Kristen

This one’s for you…

Momma!

In honor of Mother’s day, I want to share with you, just what I think. (You know this might make you laugh, but more than likely it will make your cry, better get the tissues… I already need some…)

I think you are amazing. I love you so dearly. I am thankful for your constant prayers and support. I miss you so much. I cannot wait until June 14th. I know life hasn’t been easy, but you have proved just how far faith in our God can carry us. I am thankful that you chose to “give me to the Lord” when I was born. Even if that means I might be single for all eternity. I love laughing with you and at you. I love your food (clearly). I love how you love each of us – even when others might disagree – even when we’ve hurt you – even when I am being the bratty baby sister – even when I don’t get my way.  I love that you are so dependable, even when you do too much and probably shouldn’t be working two jobs. I love that your heart is for missions. I love that you pray for me daily. I love that you will stop and pray for me any time I ask – even if you are at work. I love that everyone thinks you are an “Angel” – we know the truth, lol. I love it when you say bad words, teehehe, especially when Mr. Frank hears you. I love it that you tell me that, “They let anybody be missionaries, huh, Krissy.” I love it that you call me Krissy. I am thankful for your faithfulness, even though it has not been easy (you know what I mean), it has been an example to me and has directed me to look at and rely on God’s faithfulness. I love that you kept me living close to Grandmother and Granddaddy all my life. I love you as much as you love your mother. Oh, I miss her so much. I can’t even imagine how much you miss her. I think you are beautiful and I hope that I am half as beautiful as you are when I’m your age. It makes me happy when people tell me that you are so “pretty”, so “beautiful”, so “young looking” – cause you are. It makes me happy when people tell me I look like you. I love it that you tell me you think I’m pretty, even though you are required to say it because you are my mother. I love listening to you sing. I love music and singing to this day because of your love for singing. I love singing with you in the car (in church it’s okay, but it’s really scary…) I love that I can talk to you about everything. I am thankful to God for you and that you direct me to Him always. Thank you for everything you have done to raise me and help me as an adult. I promise to put you in a good home some day. HA! I love, love, love, love, love you!

~Krissy

It’s not about you, Kristen…

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. The last time I blogged, I was in a deep struggle, it started out with a trivial matter that unraveled into this whirlwind of brokenness and emptying of myself. However, as a measure of His great grace and mercy, God used those weeks (which felt like months and years) to empty me so that I might be filled with Him.

In the months that have followed, there has been a constant battle within me, a roller coaster of sorts. Some days  have been good, while others were just pure misery. I kind of got stuck in a pattern of going through the motions, just letting the time pass until I could go home and heal.

As life happened, God began to put a message in my heart. A message to myself, a message that I shared during staff devotions a couple of weeks ago. The message even further pressed into my thoughts as Easter rolled around and I was reminded of Jesus. Of His great sacrifice. Of the hope of His resurrection. The message…

My life is not my own, I was bought with a price. I am alive because of Him and His grand plan. I no longer live for Kristen, but I live for Jesus.  Therefore, I need to stop living in this rut, I need to remember my calling and get to work.

I may not fully understand my previously mentioned struggle, but I do know that part of it was to reveal in me, just where my heart was and who it was that I was living for. I fully intended to be living for Him, but too often it is for me…

(Funny that the first line of the song that JUST came on says, “I’m the great pretender, I act out my life like I’m the star of the play…”)

Recently the wound from before was reopened. It hurt a little, not as bad as before, but that sting of pain helped me to get refocused again. And almost immediately (as before) God revealed Himself to me. This time a quote from a dear colleague, friend, & brother in Christ got the message to me. The quote, “Take care of the things that are dear to God, and He will take care of the things that are dear to you.”

That quote shifted my focus and reminded me of the message that God had put on my heart before. My life is not about me. According to scripture, I was dead in my sin, but because of His great love I am alive. And for some unknown reason He chose to call me and use me. He’s asked me to care for what is dear to Him. Am I doing that? If I’m focused on Kristen and making her happy, then no. If I’m focused on Him and living my life to make His name known in this world, then Yes.

Question of the day: Am I taking care of the things of God? Do I trust that He will take care of that things that are dear to me?

Here is the devotion I shared with the staff. It’s pretty explanatory, but if you need further explaination, just ask!  Push the play/forward button to start the show!